John W. James
Founder of The Grief Recovery Institute®
Co-Author of The Grief Recovery
Handbook & When Children Grieve
Co-Author of The Grief Recovery
Handbook & When Children Grieve
Where were you when I needed you?
The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"
That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.
It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.
We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.
A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.
From our hearts to yours,
John & Russell
Articles & Media
Uh-oh, it’s that time again. Grief and the holidays
Many Grievers Wish They Could Skip The Holidays And Jump From Late October To Mid-January
The holidays are approaching. A joyous time. A festive time. A time when families and friends celebrate the passage of another year and the coming of a new year.
But not everyone will feel like celebrating.
Adapting to the absence of someone important in your life is difficult enough. But the first holiday season, with its constant reminders of family, coupled with holiday joy and tradition, can be especially painful. At the Grief Recovery Institute we've talked with thousands of people who've told us they wished they could jump from late October right to mid-January.
For grieving people, if this is the first year since the death of someone important, the holidays may be difficult. Since time does not heal emotional wounds, subsequent holiday times may be painful and awkward. Even surrounded by family and friends, grievers may feel isolated, alone, and as if no one understands.
Reaching Out For Someone Who Has Always Been There, Only To Find When We Need Them One More Time, They Are No Longer There.
Grief is the normal and natural reaction to loss. In general, it is marked by conflicting emotions that result from the change or end in a familiar pattern of behavior. But more specifically, from the standpoint of the grieving person, "Grief is the feeling of reaching out for someone who has always been there, only to find when we need them one more time, they are no longer there."
It's normal to worry that you won't be able to handle the pain of that first holiday season, whether the missing person is a spouse, parent, grandparent, sibling or child. You may even think you'd rather skip holiday gatherings. Those feelings and fears are not illogical or irrational. They represent a normal, healthy range of emotions about painful loss and our society's limited ability to talk openly and honestly about grief.
Grief—A Taboo Subject
We all experience losses and we all grieve. Yet, grief is one of the most off-limits topics for discussion in our society. It seems strange that one of the experiences we are all going to have, is the one experience we are ill-prepared for and ill-equipped to talk about. Even more troubling is all the misinformation passed on about grief.
We have been taught to believe that "Time heals all wounds." So people will say, "It just takes time." The griever assumes the advice to be correct, and waits while time goes by. But time is neutral and does nothing but pass.
People also say, "You have to be strong for the children" [or other family members]. So we pass that on to the griever, who dutifully acts strong for the kids, while burying their own feelings deeper and deeper. Worse, while acting strong for the children, they demonstrate "not feeling," which teaches the child to hide his or her feelings also.
We have been socialized to believe that intellectual remarks will help with emotional conflict. So grievers are told, "Don't feel bad, he led such a full life." Maybe he did. But the griever is in emotional turmoil, and that comment, which may be intellectually accurate is not emotionally helpful.
None of the pat remarks identified above help grievers take the correct and necessary steps that lead to recovery from the unfinished emotional business that accrues in all relationships. Rather, the griever is led down a path that leads to more isolation and loneliness.
What Grievers Want
Several years ago we conducted a survey that asked: "What is the best way to act around someone who has just experienced the death of a loved one?" From the multiple choice answers, an astounding 98% of the respondents chose: "Act as if nothing had happened."
What a sad commentary! Is it any wonder that grieving people tend to isolate? The fact is they are isolated by the fact that people won't talk to them about the only thing that's on their hearts and minds.
We also surveyed people who had experienced the death of a loved one within the past five years. We asked them: "In the weeks and months immediately following the death of your loved one, what did you most want and need to do?" Ninety-four percent chose the response: "Talk about what happened and my relationship with the person who died."
This holiday season, there will be plenty of hurting people who, given the opportunity, will want to talk about someone they miss. You will be a most cherished friend or family member if the grieving person feels safe enough to talk to you about what is so foremost on his heart and mind. If they don't want to talk about it, don't be offended. But please give them the opportunity.
A Safe Start
At the very least, we suggest that you to bring up the topic, and allow them to decide if they want to talk about it. If you're thinking that it is an awkward question and you don't know how to ask it, we agree with you. So, here's a simple phrase which allows the griever to respond or not as they see fit, but is not an interrogation or a command that they must talk about the loss. "I heard about the death in your family...I can't imagine what this has been like for you."
If you look at that phrase you'll notice that it is actually a statement, but the use of the word "imagine' invites an answer without ever asking a probing question. Interestingly, over the years, we have found the word "imagine" to be the most open-ended emotional word in the English language. It implies that whatever the griever says will be accepted. It also implies that whatever the griever says will not be judged or criticized. Those are very important safeguards for the griever, who is hyper-aware of any comments or questions which imply that he is wrong or defective for having the emotions associated with loss.
Just use your own memory and experience to recall how important it was to feel safe when your heart had been affected by a painful loss. Many of you may remember having felt hurt by people who were really very close to you, when they said things that didn't feel right, or equally, when they avoided the topic, and left you feeling very confused.
Happy and Sad—Flip Sides of an Emotional Coin
If a friend has something wonderful happen for them, we wouldn't dream of not asking all about it. We know they really want to tell us all about it. We must adopt a parallel notion when something sad or upsetting has happened. We know, in many cases, they really want to talk about it.
If people don't feel safe to talk, they may find other ways to soothe themselves. That could include alcohol, drugs and food—which are usually in plentiful supply at holiday time, and which may have negative or disastrous consequences.
Take A Chance
Communication has its risks. Bringing up a loss—yours or someone else's—may not be welcomed. Good taste and timing are important. For instance, we're not suggesting that just as Grandpa starts to carve the turkey, you blurt out, "How have you been since Grandma died?"
However, from personal experience, we can tell you that it would not make any sense not to mention someone very important to us. Russell's personal story illustrates this idea: "My mother died seventeen years ago on the day before Thanksgiving, and that holiday hasn't been the same for me since. But I always take the opportunity to toast my Mom and say how much I miss her. Invariably, the others at the table start talking about people they miss. The stories and the memories they evoke are filled with laughter and tears."
The ability to communicate our emotions openly and clearly, happy or sad, is one of the distinguishing characteristics of being human. It's less human to exclude from discussion those people who have been important in our lives.
Being afraid of sad feelings can deprive us of the treasure trove of memories attached to relationships with people who have died. Overcoming this fear, especially at holiday time, allows us to claim the full memory of the people we miss. People are surprised to discover that even though there may be some sadness, there may be plenty of joy as well.
"Recovery from loss is achieved by a series of small and correct choices made by the griever."
We don't want to sound like a commercial, but we'll make an exception this one time. The most effective and accurate source of those correct choices is our book, The Grief Recovery Handbook. The sub-title says it all - The Action Program for Moving Beyond Death, Divorce, and Other Losses, including Health, Career, and Faith.
© 2014 Russell P. Friedman, John W. James and The Grief Recovery Institute®. All rights reserved. For permission to reprint this and other articles please contact The Grief Recovery Institute at firstname.lastname@example.org or by phone, 800-334-7606.
The 4th of July—Another Reminder of Those Who Are No Longer Here
The common bond that connects all holiday celebrations is that they tend to be family-oriented events. Whether the holiday commemorates religious Read More »
The Boston Marathon Bombing, The Aftermath: Loss of Life, Loss of Safety, Loss of Trust, and Loss of Innocence
April 15, 2013, the date of the Boston Marathon bombing, joins the list of dates we’d rather not remember, but we can’t forget. It takes its sad Read More »
Post-Holiday, Grief-Related Blues!
Logically, for many grieving people, the holidays are difficult enough, especially the first season after someone important to them has died. But Read More »
Not following impulses leads to unfinished emotional business—aka Unresolved Grief!
Today I feel compelled to write about a personal loss, that just happens to be one of the national obituaries currently featured on the home page of Read More »
Newtown, Connecticut—Our Grief, Because We Are The Family Of Humankind
Certain events have the power to propel us into an emotional numbness, as if a hidden thermostat inside our hearts shuts us off. The pain is too much Read More »
Veterans Day—Lest We Forget
In its day, World War One was called "The War to End All Wars." Sadly, it wasn't. WW I officially ended on the eleventh hour of the eleventh day Read More »
Dealing with Grief During the Holidays
Dealing with Grief During the Holidays While there are other critical dates and times that affect grieving people, the holiday season is the biggest Read More »
We Never Forget The Important People In Our Lives.
We recently received a note from a woman named Linda, who had a child die, and who interacts with other parents who’ve also experienced the death Read More »
On Crying—Part Two
In Crying—Part One, we focused on the idea that it can be dangerous and counterproductive to attach our personal ideas and beliefs to how other Read More »
On Crying—Part One
Almost everyone has some questions and confusion about crying. How much crying is enough? If I start crying, will I be able to stop? Do I have to Read More »
9/11: The Aftermath, Loss of Life, Loss of Safety, Loss of Trust, and Loss of Innocence
By Russell FriedmanSeptember 11, 2001 now lives in our language in the same emotional way as December 7, 1941 and November 22, 1963. Nearly everyone Read More »
Am I Going Crazy?—An all-too frequent question from grievers.
“Since my mother’s death, I’ve had the experience of being in one room, deciding to go to another room to do something, and when I get there, I Read More »
Father’s Day 2013 - My Dad, Babe Ruth, and the Ball That’s Still in Orbit
In the kind of emotional reviews our minds and hearts make on chronicling days like Father’s Day, we often discover a level of appreciation that Read More »
What a Difference a Day Makes—Lest We Forget!
Memorial Day as we know it today began as Decoration Day in 1866, in upstate New York, after the cessation of the Civil War. First conceived as an Read More »
Mother’s Day! Remind Me—Remind Me Not—Remind Me
In mid-April there are two things you can count on in the United States. One is the due date for filing your tax return. The other is the arrival of Read More »
BECAUSE WE ARE THE FAMILY OF HUMANKIND
BECAUSE WE ARE THE FAMILY OF HUMANKIND [March 11, 2011]At 11:15 PM on March 10th, 2011, my heart was burning and my stomach was churning. I was Read More »
Am I Paranoid, Or Are People Really Avoiding Me?
The simple answer to the question posed in the title of this article is, “No, you’re not paranoid, people really may be avoiding you.” Even Read More »
Valentine’s Day—For Many, The Most Painful Holiday
The traditional Holiday Season begins around Halloween, continues through Thanksgiving, crests with Christmas and Hanukkah, and ends with New Read More »
Our Reaction to The Tucson Tragedy – Because We Are the Family of Humankind!
Within a two year span, from February 1, 2003 to December 26, 2004, we used the title “Because We Are the Family of Humankind!” for articles we Read More »
Uh-oh, it’s that time again. Grief and the holidays
Many Grievers Wish They Could Skip The Holidays And Jump From Late October To Mid-January The holidays are approaching. A joyous time. A festive time Read More »
Stages of Grief: Are There Actual Stages Of Grief?
Is there any truth behind the idea that grief and loss recovery comes in stages?We are often asked if there are actual stages of grief or grieving. Read More »
Is It Ever Too Soon To Recover?
Conflicting opinions from a wide variety of sources confuse the question of when to begin a process of completing what was left emotionally Read More »
Why Won’t Anyone Let Me Feel Sad?
If we were forced to quantify the problems grieving people encounter, there’s no doubt the number one offense they must confront is being told that Read More »
Six Major Myths – The Short Version
There are six major myths about grief that are so close to universal that nearly everyone can relate to them. This is true not only for those of us Read More »
Do I Have to Cry To Grieve?
"My father died recently. I have been very sad, but I have not cried. Do I have to cry to grieve?"That is a question we get all the time from people Read More »
When Your Heart Is Broken, Your Head Doesn’t Work Right And Your Spirit May Not Soar
For most people, the immediate response to the death of someone important to them is a sense of numbness. After that initial numbness wears off, the Read More »
If I Start Crying Will I Be Able To Stop?
Grieving people sometimes hold back their tears based on the fear that if they start crying, they won’t be able to stop. To the best of our Read More »
Time Doesn't Heal - Actions Do
I have heard that it takes two years to get over the death of a loved one, five years to get over the death of a parent, and you never get over the Read More »
I’m Fine And Other Lies!!!
Approximately 20% of your ability to communicate is verbal, leaving about 80% as non-verbal. Non-verbal communication includes tone of voice as well Read More »
Normal and Natural reactions to the death of someone important to you.
Grief is the wide range of normal and natural reactions to the death of someone important to you. The seven most common reactions are: Read More »
If you or someone important to you wants help with grief: Look for a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist℠ in your community. The Grief Recovery Institute ® trains and mentors Certified Grief Recovery Specialists℠ throughout the United States & Canada.
Workshops & Training Schedule
The Grief Recovery Institute ® offers Certification Training programs for those who wish to help grievers.
August 2014Omaha, NE - Aug 8-11, 2014
Singapore - Aug 11-14, 2014
New York, NY - Aug 15-18, 2014
Houston, TX - Aug 22-25, 2014
Tampa, FL - Aug 22-25, 2014
September 2014Billings, MT - Sept 5-8, 2014
Portland, OR - Sept 12-15, 2014
Cleveland, OH - Sept 19-22, 2014
Moncton, NB, Canada - Sept 26-29, 2014
Los Angeles, CA - Sept 26-29, 2014 Wilmington, DE Sept 26-29, 2014